Television’s late-night hosts have entertained us since Steve Allen first took the mic on The Tonight Show back in 1954. Today’s late-night monologues riff on serious topics like international politics and economic policy, and silly topics like the “Real Housewives of Lima, Ohio.” Naturally, they’ve also weighed in on our friends at the IRS. So this week, we present some of our favorite tax wisecracks from late-night television:

• “65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” (Jay Leno)
• “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” (Conan O’Brien)
• “Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” (Jimmy Kimmel)
• “President Obama held a press conference earlier today, and he said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does: declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. It will be gone in a minute.” (Jay Leno)
• “Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.” (Jimmy Kimmel)
• “It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” (Craig Ferguson)
• “Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’” (Jimmy Fallon)
• “And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” (Jay Leno)

Late-night yucksters make fun of taxes onstage. But you can be sure that offstage, entertainers like David Letterman (2013 salary, $28 million) and Jay Leno ($24 million) think taxes are as funny as a heart attack. They know that proactive planning is the key to paying less. So be sure to call us when you’re ready to laugh last with the IRS!

The 2013 baseball season is barely a month old, and fans are already bickering over the first twists and turns. That’s because rabid fans are never content to just watch a game. They have to discuss it — among friends, at the local tavern, and on talk radio. If a pop fly drops for a single behind Cubs center fielder David DeJesus, and no one is there to argue he should have caught it, does it really make any noise?

Statisticians have always delighted in analyzing baseball — some would say, analyzing it to death. So-called “sabermetricians” (followers of the Society of American Baseball Research, or SABR) pore over arcane stats like “batting average on balls in play” (a measure of how many balls in play against a pitcher go for hits, excluding home runs, used to spot fluky seasons) or “value over replacement player” (a measure of how much a player contributes to their team in comparison to a fictitious replacement player who is an average fielder at his position but below-average hitter).

Now there’s a whole new category of relevant statistics for fans to debate. The Journal of Sports Management has just accepted a paper from Fordham University business professor Stanley Veliotis, titled Salary Equalization for Baseball Free Agents Confronting Different State Tax Regimes. And this one will blow the lid right off Moneyball! Here’s the abstract:

“This paper derives equivalent gross salary for Major League Baseball free agents weighing offers from teams based in states with different income tax rates. After discussing tax law applicable to professional sports teams’ players, including ‘jock taxes’ and the interrelationship of state and federal taxes, this paper builds several models to determine equivalent salary. A base-case derivation, oversimplified by ignoring non-salary income and Medicare tax, demonstrates that salary adjustment from a more tax expensive state’s team requires solely a state (but not federal) tax gross-up. Subsequent derivations, introducing non-salary income and Medicare tax, demonstrate full Medicare but small federal tax gross-ups are also required. This paper applies the model to equalize salary offers from two teams in different states in a highly stylized example approximating the 2010 free agency of pitcher Cliff Lee. Aspects of the models may also be used to inform other sports  players of their after-tax income if salary caps limit the ability to receive adequately grossed-up salaries.”

Aren’t you glad you’ve got us to make sense of this stuff? (And this is baseball — it’s supposed to be fun.)

Taxes have always dogged professional athletes. What basketball fan hasn’t wondered what role Florida’s sunny tax-free climate played in luring superstar LeBron James to the Miami Heat? And really, who can blame golfing great Phil Mickelson for threatening to abandon California to escape a 63% tax rate?

But just imagine the debates this paper will inspire! How will interleague play affect equivalent gross salaries for NL East teams playing even more games in tax-heavy New York? Does A-Rod really come out ahead by sticking with the Yankees? Will fists fly when Canadians realize none of this has any meaning for the lowly Toronto Blue Jays?

You may think the tax code is harder to understand than the infield fly rule. (You may even be right.) But there’s one very important difference between baseball and taxes. Stats geeks can use measures like the “player empirical comparison and test algorithm” to guess how players might perform for the rest of the season. But proactive tax planners like us can use proven strategies like the medical expense reimbursement plan, S-corporation, or home office deduction to guarantee less tax. So call us when you’re ready to measure some savings that count!